Hideyoshi in Wonderland
by AddienaTheBlueSpirit
Summary: Hideyoshi as Alice, Akihisa as the Mad Hatter, Yuuji as the Knave, Kouta as Bayard, Minami the Door Mouse, Tweedle Miharu and Tweedle Kubo, Queen Shouko the Red and Queen Himeji the White star in a "Baka and Test" twist on Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.
1. Prologue

Late one night in London, in the year 1855 a warm light shines from the study of the gracious Kinoshita home. A man, silhouetted in the window, was speaking with ardor. Mr. Kinoshita has just described his newest business venture to his friends, including Mr. Sugawa.

"Kinoshita, you have finally lost your senses." the man said. This was Mr. Sugawa.

"This venture is impossible." added Mr. Hasegawa.

"For some. Gentlemen," replied Mr. Kinoshita. "The only way to achieve the impossible is to believe that it is possible."

"That kind of thinking could ruin you."

"I'm willing to take that chance. Imagine trading posts in Rangoon, Bangkok, Jakarta…"He stopped when he saw his nine year-old son Hideyoshi stands at the door in his nightgown, clearly frightened.

"The nightmare again?" He asked. Hideyoshi nodded and Mr. Kinsoshita took his son's hand in his, before turning back to his guests.

"I won't be long."

After tucking his son back into bed, Mr, Kinoshita sat on Hideyoshi's bed, listening to his son with utmost seriousness.

"I'm falling down a dark hole," he says, "then I see strange creatures…"

"What kind of creatures?"

"Well, there's a dodo bird with glasses, a rabbit in

a petticoat, a smiling cat…"

"I didn't know cats could smile." he replied.

"Neither did I. Oh, and there's a blue caterpillar."

"Blue caterpillar. Hmm."

"Do you think I've gone round the bend?" Hideyoshi asked worriedly, and Mr. Kinoshita felt his son's forehead as if for a fever.

"I'm afraid so. You're mad. Bonkers. Off your head. But I'll tell you a secret...all the best people are." Hideyoshi smiled at that and leaned against his father in content.

"It's only a dream, Hideyoshi. Nothing can harm you there. But if you get too frightened, you can always wake up. Like this." He pinches Hideyoshi's shoulder who screamed before pinching him back.

TEN YEARS LATER

A horse-drawn carriage was careening down the road at a full gallop. Inside is Hideyoshi Kinoshita who was now on the verge of adulthood. Hideyoshi saw the world with different eyes than other people his age, and unlike most boys, wore dresses at his mother's request. He was very beautiful, so much so that he was thought in the minds of many to be female, and because of this paired his masculine personality was seen as slightly off-kilter. At that moment he was tired, having not slept well the night before and irritated by his mother fussing with his wild main of brown hair she refused to let him wear short.

"Must we go?"He asked, dryly, "I doubt they'll notice if

we never arrive."

"They will notice." His mother replied. "They will notice."


	2. Chapter One

A horse-drawn carriage was careening down the road at a full gallop. Inside is Hideyoshi Kinoshita, who was now on the verge of adulthood. Hideyoshi saw the world with different eyes than other people his age, and unlike most boys, wore dresses at his mother's request. He was very beautiful, so much so that he was thought in the minds of many to be female, and because of this paired his masculine personality was seen as slightly off-kilter. At that moment he was tired, having not slept well the night before and irritated by his mother fussing with his wild main of brown hair she refused to let him wear short.

"Must we go?"He asked, dryly, "I doubt they'll notice if

we never arrive."

"They will notice." His mother replied. "They will notice."

Suddenly, his mother was re-tying his the waist sash of his dress, feeling for a corset that was not there. "Where's your corset?"

As if hit by sudden inspiration, she pulled back the skirt of his dress to see bare legs. "And no stockings!"

"I'm against them." He replied. _'and I'm not a girl anyway, so why does it matter?' _

"But you're not properly dressed!"

"Who's to say what is proper?" He snarled, "What if it was agreed that 'proper' was wearing a codfish on your head? Would you wear it? "

"Hideyoshi."

"To me a corset is like a codfish. After all…I'm a boy."

"Please. Not today."

Frustrated, Hideyoshi turned away and stared out the carriage window and muttered, "Father would have laughed."

Hideyoshi felt a small victory, before seeing the hurt expression on his mother's face, which made him instantly regret his words. "I'm sorry. I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night." He explained. In response, his mother simply patted his hand in a forgiving gesture.

"Did you have bad dreams again?"

"Only the one. It's always the same. Ever since I can remember. Do you think that's normal? Don't most people have different dreams?"

"I don't know." Hideyoshi's mother removes her necklace and puts it around her son's neck."There! You're beautiful. Now, can you manage a smile?"

The garden party was in full swing by the time the Kinoshita's arrived. Everyone had turned out in their summer finery. Guests played croquet on the great lawn and skiffs drift lazily on a meandering river.

Hideyoshi approached Mr. Sugawa and his wife with a fixed, unnatural smile. Mr. Sugawa was a stately, aristocratic man and Yoko was red-faced with annoyance.

"At last!" Yoko exclaimed, "We thought you'd never

arrive! Hideyoshi, Ryou is waiting to dance with you. Go!"

She pushed Hideyoshi off towards the dancing before turning on Ms Kinoshita. "You do realize it's well past four! Now everything will have to be rushed through!"

"I am sorry. We…"

"Never mind!" Yoko interrupted as she rushed off.

"Forgive her." Said Mr. Sugawa, "She's been planning

this affair for the last twenty years."

"If only Saito were here…" Ms. Kinoshita said sadly.

"My condolences, madame. I think of your husband often. He was truly a man of vision."

"Thank you."

"I hope you don't think I have taken advantage of your misfortune." Mr. Sugawa said.

"Of course not. I'm pleased that you've purchased the company."

"I was a fool for not investing in his mad venture when I had the chance." He replied, and she smiled.

"Saito thought so too."

Meanwhile Hideyoshi was doing a line dance called the Quadrille with Ryou Sugawa who took after his aunt, refined and immaculate with aristocratic arrogance.

"Ryou, do you ever tire of the Quadrille?"

"On the contrary. I find it invigorating." He replied as he strutted like a peacock and Hideyoshi laughed. "Do I amuse you?" He asked hopefully.

"No." Hideyoshi stated between giggles, "I had a sudden vision of all the ladies in top hats and the men wearing bonnets."

Ryou didn't even crack a smile. "It would be best to keep your visions to yourself. When in doubt, remain silent."

Hideyoshi's smile faded instantly. Without his father, he felt there was no one like him in the whole world. As they danced on, Hideyoshi saw a flock of geese overhead. Distracted, he bumped into the dancers in front of them.

"Pardon us! My dear Kinoshita is distracted today." Turning to Hideyoshi he hisses, "Where is your head?"

"I was wondering what it would be like to fly." He replied truthfully.

Ryou scoffed, "Why would you waste your time thinking about such an impossible thing?"

"Why wouldn't I? My father said he sometimes believed in six impossible things before breakfast."

He laughed at the memory and Ryou looked pained, and turned to look at his aunt, who's waving at him impatiently.

"Meet me under the gazebo in precisely ten minutes." He said sharply before going off. Suddenly two giggling girls appeared in front of Hideyoshi. It was Yoshiko and Hiromi.

"We have a secret to tell you." said Yoshiko

"If you're telling me, then it's not much of a secret." Replied Hideyoshi dully.

"Perhaps we shouldn't." Said Hiromi.

"We decided we should!" Yoshiko exclaimed.

"If we tell her, she won't be surprised." Countered Hiromi. Hideyoshi was going to tell her that he was a HE, but Yoshiko cut him off.

"Will you be surprised?" questioned Yoshiko, as if that would determine whether they would tell him.

"Not if you tell me. But now you've brought it up, so you have to."

"No we don't." said Hiromi.

"In fact, we won't." states Yoshiko.

"I wonder if your mother knows that you two swim naked in the Kurosaki's pond."

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh, but I would. There's your mother now."

He started to walk toward their mother, fully intending to tell, when Yoshiko blurted out, "Ryou is going to ask for your hand!"

Hideyoshi stoped dead. His sister, Yuuko, suddenly pulled him away from the pair of girls.

"You've ruined the surprise!" She tells them, before turning to Hideyoshi, "I could strangle them! Everyone went to so much effort to keep the secret."

"Does everyone know?" He asked, surprised.

"It's why they've all come. This is your engagement party. Ryou will ask you under the gazebo. When you say 'yes'…"

"But I don't know if I want to marry him."

"Who then? You won't do better than a Lord."

Hideyoshi looked over at Ryou who blew his nose, and then proceeded to study the contents of his kerchief before folding it and putting it in his pocket.

"You'll soon be twenty, Hideyoshi. That pretty face won't last forever. You don't want to end up like Ms. Funakoshi.

They looked at middle-aged Ms. Funakoshi, who had over-rouged cheeks and wore a yellowing white dress that was far too young for her.

"And you don't want to be a burden on mother, do you?"

"No."

"So you will marry Ryou. You will be as happy as I am with Kyoji and your life will be perfect. It's already decided." said Yuuko as Yoko's face suddenly loomed in far too close to Hideyoshi for comfort.

"Hideyoshi dear, shall we take a leisurely stroll through the garden? Just you and me?" She asked as she jerked him away quickly, not giving him time to respond. Yoko steered him through the gardens at a fast clip.

"Do you know what I've always dreaded?" asked Yoko.

"The decline of the aristocracy?"

"For Ryou to have ugly children. But you're so lovely. You Are bound to produce

little…" she stops and gasps angrily at the roses. Hideyoshi didn't even bother to inform Yoko that he couldn't have children considering he was a guy. "Imbeciles! The gardeners planted white roses when I specifically asked for red!"

"You could always paint the roses red."

"What an odd thing to say. Come along."

As Yoko hurried him along the path, Hideyoshi heard a jingling sound.

"You should know that my nephew has extremely delicate digestion…"

Hideyoshi tried to pay attention but he saw something large and white dart past.

"Did you see that?" He asked, "It was a rabbit, I think."

"Nasty things. I do enjoy setting the dogs on them." And then Yoko added, "Don't dawdle." Yoko carried on as she rushed Hideyoshi toward the gazebo as he was looking around for the rabbit."If you serve Ryou the wrong foods, he could get a blockage."

Suddenly Hideyoshi saw it again, a large white rabbit in a petticoat that was standing on its hind legs while staring directly at Hideyoshi. Hideyoshi blinked and the White Rabbit darted behind a tree.

"Did you see it that time?"

"See what?"

"The rabbit!"

"Don't shout and pay attention." Yoko scolded, "Ryou said you were easily distracted. What was I saying?"

"Ryou has a blockage. I couldn't be more interested, but you'll have to excuse me." And with that, Hideyoshi dove into the wooded area off the path and stood for a moment, his mind reeling. A hand landed on his shoulder, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Ms. Funakoshi!" He stated, relieved. "I think I'm going mad.

I keep seeing a rabbit in a petticoat."

"How very strange. What kind of petticoat is it?" asked Ms. Funakoshi.

"Shiffon, I think." then he added, "What does it matter? It's a rabbit in a petticoat!"

"I can't be bothered with your fancy rabbit now. I'm waiting for my fiance."

"You have a fiance?" Hideyoshi asked…Truly surprised by the revelation, then he saw the White Rabbit dart by yet again.

"There! Did you see it?"

"He's a prince." Ms. Funakoshi continued on cluelessly. "But, alas he cannot marry me unless he renounces his throne. Isn't it tragic?"

"Very…" He replied half heartedly as he backed away. As he turned the corner, he came across his sister's husband, Kyoji Nemoto, sucking face with a strange woman...

"Kyoji?" He asked… Nemoto looked up


	3. Chapter Two

As he turned the corner, he came across his sister's husband, Kyoji Nemoto, sucking face with a strange woman...

"Kyoji?" He asked… Nemoto looked up and the green haired woman ran off in shame.

"Hi-hideyoshi. Yuuka is just an old friend."

"I can see you're very close." He replied dryly as Nemoto turned bright red and became highly flustered.

"You won't mention this to your sister, will you?"

"I don't know. I'm confused. I need time to think."

"Think of Yuuko. She would never trust me again. You don't want to ruin her marriage, do you?"

"Me? I'm not the one…" He never got the chance to finish as, Ryou was suddenly standing there, incredibly annoyed.

"There you are! I told you meet me under the gazebo!" He pulled Hideyoshi under the gazebo, and the shadows of the pillars falling on Hideyoshi's face like prison bars. He glanced around and his eyes fell on a string quartet discreetly positioned in the shadows... bows poised as Ryou dropped to his knee. as he turned back to Ryou, he noticed an artist immortalizing the moment.

"Hideyoshi Kinoshita…"

"Ryou."

"What is it?"

"You have a caterpillar on your shoulder." Ryou began to frantically brush at it. "Don't hurt it!" Hideyoshi warned as he let the Catapillar crawl onto his finger. Then he turned to a bush and placed it gently onto one of the branches.

"You'll want to wash that finger." Said Ryou, Wrinkling his nose before seeing his aunt motioning to him from below. Everyone was gathered around the gazebo to watch the engagement. Ryou suddenly blurted out, "Hideyoshi Kinoshita, will you be my wife?"

The question hung in the air, the atmosphere was thick enough to cut with a steak knife. Unsure of himself, unsure of his future, unsure of his own sanity in that moment, Hideyoshi began to ramble on in a nervous stammer."I…I…well, everyone expects me to...and you're a Lord...and my face won't last...and I don't want to end up like...but this is happening so quickly...I think…I…I…"

Suddenly Hideyoshi saw the white rabbit leaning against a pillar, glaring at him with undisguised impatience... "I need a moment."

And he runs. He followed the White Rabbit across a meadow.

"Wait!" He shouts after it, but he had already lost sight of her. Then he peeked over the hedgerow, there was not rabbit to be found. Stumped, he stopped and looked around, as a white paw reached up and grasped him by the ankle. With a quick jerk, the rabbit had pulled him down into the rabbit hole. He screamed, and keeps screaming as he tumbled head over heels down the hole. He frantically grabbed at the walls which were hung with paintings, ancient maps, cracked mirrors, demonic masks, etc. He pulled out books, jam jars, a crystal ball, a badger claw, a monkey's hand and a human skull in his frantic effort to stop himself, and yet, down, down, down he fell. It began to grow dark as the day passed into night, and still he fell, and finally, after what seemed like hours, he hit bottom, smacking his head on a wooden floor.

"umph!"

With the wind knocked out of him, he gasped for air. As he sat up, rubbing the bump on his forehead, Hideyoshi realized that he was in a round hall with many doors. After he got up and dusted off his skirt, he tried a door. It was locked. He tried another one and another. Locked, all of them. Then he knocked.

"Hello? Hello! Anyone there?" He received no answer. Frustrated, he moved around the hall. Every door was locked. Then he noticed a three-legged glass table with a small key sitting on top. He picked up the key and tried it in a door, but it was too small for the lock.

He tried it in a few doors, it was too small for all of them. He came upon a curtain and pulled it aside, revealing a little door about two feet high. He tried the key in the door. It fit! Opening the little door, he bent down to look through to the other side.

On the other side Hideyoshi saw a beautiful yet tangled garden with a fountain. He tried to fit through the small door, but his shoulders got stuck. He pulled back, completely confused, as he went back to the table and replaced the key, only there was a bottle on the table, he looked around for the person who put it there.

"Is someone here?


	4. Chapter Three

"Hello? Hello! Anyone there?" He received no answer. Frustrated, he moved around the hall. Every door was locked. Then he noticed a three-legged glass table with a small key sitting on top. He picked up the key and tried it in a door, but it was too small for the lock.

He tried it in a few doors, it was too small for all of them. He came upon a curtain and pulled it aside, revealing a little door about two feet high. He tried the key in the door. It fit! Opening the little door, he bent down to look through to the other side.

On the other side Hideyoshi saw a lushous garden with a fountain. He tried to fit through, but his shoulders got stuck. He pulled back, stumped, as he went back to the table and replaced the key, only there was a bottle on the table, he looked for the person who put it there.

"Is someone here?" Not, finding anyone, he looked at the label. "DRINK ME", he sniffed the contents, recoiled, then shrugged.

"It's only a dream." He told himself before pinching his nose and taking a drink, shuddering, he gagged and coughed from the taste. Suddenly he noticed that the table had gotten larger.

"That's curious." Hideyoshi had shrunk to about two feet high, the doors loomed above him. He took a step and tripped on his now-oversized clothes. Dragging them behind, he tried to open the door, but realized he'd forgotten the key. He groaned and went back to the glass table where he could see the gold key sitting on top.

HiDeYoShIiNwOnDeRlAnD

On the other side of the door several gathered Underlanders watched Hideyoshi through the keyhole.

"You'd think she would remember this from the first time." Muttered Miho, the DoDo Bird.

"You've brought the wrong HIDEYOSHI." Agreed Minami the Door Mouse.

"He's the right one. I'm certain of it." Stated Sumire, the White Rabbit.

HiDeYoShIiNwOnDeRlAnD

Meanwhile Hideyoshi had attempted to climb the table leg, but got tangled up in his far-too-big dress and slid off, when he noticed a little box under the table, and looked around once again for who ever had put it there…

"If this is some sort of prank, I am not amused!" Hideyoshi hissed as he opened the box. It contained a cake with "EAT ME" written out in ornate icing. He considered what it could do, and then looked up at the key high above on the table.

He took a tiny taste of the cake, then he took another bite. WHOOSH! He shot upward rapidly. His clothes fit again for a moment, but then he continued growing. Buttons popped and the seams were strained and his skirt got shorter. The ceiling got closer…his head grazed it, and then he stopped. Relieved, he bent down and picked up the gold key. Crouching, he went to the little door and fit the key in the lock.

HiDeYoShIiNwOnDeRlAnD

"She's the wrong Hideyoshi." Confirmed Minami.

"Give her a chance." Replied Sumire.

HiDeYoShIiNwOnDeRlAnD

Laughing at himself, he went back to the table, picked up the little bottle and took another swallow, shivering at the taste, then shrank again to two feet high. Dragging his too-big dress, he ran to the door, put the key in the lock, and opened it.

Stepping through, he entered a fantastical world. A world that was bizarre, illogical, dangerous, absurd, and strangely beautiful. The garden he had entered through was brown and tangled, its statues broken and overgrown. The mossy fountain is silent. Hideyoshi heard a bellowing, sneezing sound as a green pig dashed past. The tall flowers had gaunt, haunted human faces. Shabby, thin birds walked on stalk legs. Dragonflies, horseflies and enormous gnats do fierce battle in the sky above.

"Curiouser and curiouser." he muttered.

"I told you he's the right Hideyoshi." Taunted Sumire. Hideyoshi turned then, and saw a Miho, the DoDo with eye glasses and a walking stick, the Sumire the white rabbit in a frilly pink chiffon petticoat, a young female dormouse in pirate attire called Minami and two strange youths with their arms thrown over each others shoulders, that had "Miharu" and "Kubo" are stitched on their collars.

"I am not convinced." said Minami.

Sumire throws up her hands. "How is that for gratitude? I've been

up there for weeks trailing one Hideyoshi after the next! And I was almost eaten by other animals! Can you imagine? They go about entirely unclothed and they do their…business in public. I had to avert my eyes."

"She doesn't look anything like herself." Said one of the talking flowers that were sizing up Hideyoshi.

"That's because she's the wrong Hideyoshi." said Minami.

"if she was, she might be." said Miharu.

"But if she isn't, she ain't." countered Kubo.

"But if she were so, she would be."

"But she isn't. Nohow."

"How can I be the "wrong Hideyoshi" when it's my dream? And who are you, if I may ask."

Miharu shakes her hand, speaking very fast.

"I'm Tweedle Miharu he's Tweedle Kubo."

"Contrariwise. I'm Tweedle Kubo she's Tweedle Miharu."

"We should consult Iron Man…" Stated Miharu...

"Exactly." said Minami Approvingly… "Iron Man will know who she is."

Miharu extended her arm to Hideyoshi.

"I'll escort you." She said.

Kubo pulled her away from Miharu.

"It's not being your turn."

They tugged Hideyoshi between them.

"Leave off!" said Miharu.

"Let go!" replied Kubo.

Hideyoshi looked alarmed. "Are they always this way?"

"Family trait." said Tsumire, "You can both escort her."

Miharu took one arm and Kubo took the other, and with that Hideyoshi, Kubo, Miharu, Miho, Sumire and Minami started off. The Human-faced Flowers gossiping about Hideyoshi as the group passed.

"It can't be her. She looks nothing like Hideyoshi. She is not even wearing the right dress."

Hideyoshi, trying to ignore the flowers asked, "Who is this Iron Man?"

Minami swooned, "He's wise. He's absolute."

"He's IRON MAN." Miharu and Kubo finished.

They enter a forest of tall mushrooms surrounded by mist.

"Who are you?"

Hideyoshi saw a form ahead where the mist was rising in a steady plume. There's a Blue Caterpiller smoking. Minami pushes Hideyoshi toward him.

"Iron Man?" He asked uncertainly.

"You're not Iron Man. I'm Iron Man. The question is...who are you?" He blew smoke rings in Hideyoshi's face causing him to cough.

"I am Hideyoshi." He answered.

Iron Man raised an eyebrown, "We shall see."

"What do you mean by that? I ought to know who I am!"

Iron Man replied, "Yes, you ought. Stupid girl. Unroll the Oraculum."

"I am not stupid." muttered Hideyoshi as Minami searched for something, "And I'm not a girl."

Minami the door mouse unrolled an ancient piece of parchment lying on a toadstool.

"The Oraculum: Being a Calendrical Compendium of Underland." said Minami

Hideyoshi looked over Minami's shoulder. "It's a timeline depicting the major events of each day. Every day has a title and an illustration."

"It's a calendar."

"Compendium." Iron Man corrected, "It tells of each and every day since the Beginning."

Minami pointed her mousy little paw at the Compendium,"Today is Griblig day in the time of the Red Queen. He points to the illustration."

It shows all of them, including Hideyoshi, peering at the Oraculum, at that exact moment."

Hideyoshi looks at it, "That's not me."

"I know!"

"Resolve this for us, Iron Man. Is she the right Hideyoshi?"

Iron Man looked Hideyoshi in the eye. "Show her the Frabjous day."

Tsumire the Purple Rabbit turned the scroll further into the future.

"Frabjous being the day you slay the Jabberwocky." said Miharu

"Sorry? Slay the…what?" Asked Hideyoshi.

The illustration is animated. The Jabberwocky, as tall as a dinosaur with reptilian wings, scales, long sharp claws, a pronged tail and a vest. It hisses! A Knight with long blonde hair in chain mail fights him with a shining sword.

Kubo smirked, "That being you there with the Vorpal

sword."

"No other swords can kill the Jabberwocky." said Miharu, "Nohow."

"If it ain't Vorpal, he ain't dead." said Kubo.

As the knight swung the sword, she revealed her face to the group looking at the Oraculum. The "girl" was unmistakably Hideyoshi, with bloodlust in his eye.

Iron Man blews smoke, obliterating himself from view.

"Not Hardly." said Miharu "I told you!"

"Oh dear!" said Sumire.

"I said so." said Kubo.

"No, I said so." replied

"Contrariwise, you said she might be." Kubo retorted

"No. You said she would be if she was."

The little FFF Flowers then turned to Hideyoshi, "Little imposter! Pretending to be Hideyoshi! She should be ashamed"

"I was so certain of you." said Sumire.

They all glare at him as if it is somehow him fault.

Hideyoshi looked ashamed, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be the

wrong Hideyoshi. Wait, this is my dream. I'm going to wake up now and you'll all disappear."

He closed his eyes and pinched himself. He opened them again. The FFF Flowers, Sumire, the Tweedles, Iron Man, and Minami were still there.

"That's curious." He pinched himself again. The animals just looked at him."Pinching usually does the trick."

Minami pulled a long sharp hat pin from her scabbard."I could stick you if that would help." she offered happily.

"It might actually. Thank you." Hideyoshi replied, ignorant to Minami's sadistic undertone.

"My pleasure."

She stabbed him in the ankle with relish, and he yelped but instead of a small sound, a loud roar is heard as a large Hell-hound type creature smashes through a high wall.

"Bandersnatch!" Yelped Sumire in fear as the group began to flee.


End file.
